Return from the Holy Land

Shalom. Both hello and goodbye. I never understood how one word could mean such opposite things. But I think I get it a little better now. I don't know if I'm coming or going or where I'm heading to. I've left Israel, but my heart is still there. So were my rose-coloured glasses shattered? I don't know. So much has happened in the past two weeks that I don't know what to think anymore.

Israel is still an enigma to me. It's a country so rough around the edges (and in the middle too), as a Canadian, it can sometimes even come off as brash and uninviting. It's history is something so far from what I've ever experienced, I can only begin to try and understand what is on the surface. Yet despite all the problems there is a truth and honesty to Israel that I've never been able to find in Canada. Beneath the rough exterior are the heart and soul of a person yearning for the same things that we all are.

And I stand outside it all. Unable to truly understand what goes on within those walls. Set apart by my Canadian upbringing. Not Jewish. Not even an Arab.

Some places are so easy to fall in love with. They are warm, welcoming, vibrant. There are those places that open their arms to you, no matter who you are. But then they fall flat when you try to explore their depths. I don't think Israel is one of those places. So what is it? Could I fall in love with Israel? Would Israel accept me?

I sit here now in my large house with central heating. The tv blares with an endless circulation of infomercials and a droning voice tries to sell me products from all corners of the room. It feels like another lifetime since I've been in Israel. Or even as if it were all just a dream. All I have left are my photos to confirm it really did happen. I wonder if I will ever return, if I will ever be able to go back to the way things were.

Shalom: Ramblings from Israel

The man in the moon looks the same from here. Or maybe I've forgotten what he looks like at home. Sometimes I even forget what home looks like. But then again I've never really considered one specific place to be home.

I've only been a couple of days in Israel, but already I'm starting to feel comfortable. I have yet to decide on an explanation for that (because, of course, my analytical mind will not stop until a reason is found). Maybe it's due to the fact I've not only become jaded in my "real time" life, but in my travels as well. Nothing manages to excite or thrill me anymore. Another country, another scenery, just another notch on the bedpost. I envy those who look at life as if everything is new again.

Then my emotions take over. That dark, insecure, female side. I let myself wonder if maybe the reason I feel so comfortable is that I am in the exact place I should be at this exact moment in time. And that's when I start to doubt myself. We all know when we want something so badly we are willing to believe anything, to see only what we want to see. It's impractical. It's illogical. It's wishful thinking. But just what if?

Aside from my need to question and understand everything, Israel is a beautiful country (from what I've seen so far). Though I haven't been to many places yet, I feel as though I have stepped outside from a generic, colourless, and sterile world into a place that breathes life. The sunsets are so vivid and everywhere you go orange blossoms grows in abundance. You've never smelled anything until you've smelled fresh orange blossom. Not to mention the orchards in the kibbutz. Fragrant oranges, mandarins, tangerines, grapefruit, avacado - as far as the eye can see. And the sun, just touching everything with its warm golden glow.

How nauseating was that passage, eh? I feel as if I am waxing like a person in love - this was lovely, and that was lovely, and everything was just perfect. But... We'll see how long these rose-coloured glasses can shield my weary, skeptical eyes.

Life in the Linear

Do you stick to the straight and narrow or do you veer off the beaten path and take the road less travelled? Being the random and sometimes erratic girl that I am, I am definitely in favour of blazing your own twisted, winding trail, but who's to say what the best method is?

I will the be the first to admit, I envy those who can walk a straight line without veering off this way or that. I like the idea that you have an end in sight, a goal, a plan, a means of getting there. One foot in front of the other, knowing exactly where the next step will take you. There are no surprises for you. You know what to expect. Everything is stable.

But is it worth it to give up that excitement to feel just comfortable all the time? I don't think I could live following one path all my life. There are too many twists and turns and unexpected forks in the road that you absolutely cannot plan for. I crave adventure - always exploring, uncovering the unknown, discovering new ideas. I am not afraid to leave my future in the hands of fate. It's the unpredictability, the curve balls, the random forks in the road, that make life the dynamic, beautiful thing that it is. It's like my favourite architect, Antonio Gaudi, once said: the greatest architect ever (God) never used straight lines so why should I?.

So I look at it this way, maybe I'll never have that nice condo which I've saved years for. Or maybe I'll never work that stable job that feels like a second home to me. Maybe I'll never meet that someone who I come home to everyday. You can insert here any one of those goals that many acquire along the linear path. But does that really matter in the end?