My dreams, never quite as it seems...

Yesterday I had a little bit of a health scare. It turned out to be nothing, but it made me rethink my life, my values, my actions. It made me realize how fragile life is and how in any given moment it can all be taken away from you.

I guess I might as well say it. Yesterday I found a lump. And the first thing I thought was that I don't want deformed, uneven boobs. And I cried for the future loss of my breasts. It was not whether or not I will survive this or if it's serious. I cried for the vanity I didn't even know existed. I am rather proud of my breasts. They could be a little bigger, but they are nicely shaped and plump.

And then I cried for the boyfriend that will never be. I finally found the most wonderful guy, but he just so happens to live half way across the world. It's complicated so we've decided to make it as simple as possible, to just be two people who love each other and nothing more. We'd never be able to survive this. If this was what I thought it was, I'd be tied to Toronto indefinitely. Surgery. Chemo. Doctor's visits. Recuperation time. And he's not in a position to come here anytime soon. His life is there. And I'd be here.

My life would be here. Would I give up my dreams of seeing the world for a stable life here? Could I be happy here? In one split second, my reality did a complete 180. In one split second, my future flashed before my eyes. And for the second time this month, I wondered if I was being naieve to think that I am the exception.